Acquittal Is Not An Option: People vs. @FludWatches JAES


This is a photograph of the Defendant in question, the Flud JAES watch (Exhibit A).  The Flud JAES is a killer and this will become clear to you, the readers, after the presentation of indisputable evidence. This is a simple case. It is not about enormous sums of money, corporate greed, or the percentage of “powdered substances” present in certain vehicles of commerce. What this case is about is the deceptive nature and the geomorphic ramifications of Flud(ing).

Intrigued yet? Read the testimony!

Ben (@CobaltInfinity)

The Prosecution enters Exhibits B – Q into evidence.

In addition to Exhibits A-Q, the prosecution enters expert testimony from Wikipedia and the US National Weather Service into evidence as Articles A-B.

Wikipedia – “Most people tend to underestimate Fluds.”
US National Weather Service, when advising about Fluds – “Turn Around, Don’t Drown.”

Prosecutorial Testimony: I’m going to drop the armchair (Herman Miller) lawyer bit and prove my point using plain English. The Flud JAES watch, as evidenced by Exhibits A-Q, is most definitely a killer, but not in the sense that you think. The only felonious activity it is guilty of is being too awesome (you know you said that on a job interview at least once). I can’t speak for all of Flud, but something tells me if that was actually a felony no one would have a problem pleading guilty.

During Pre-Trial, I noted what this case was NOT about, but why? First of all, the watch is only $70, a pittance compared to some of the other offerings in this category. Next, the @FludWatches Twitter is run by none-other-than Doug Cohen who just so happens to be the CEO of Flud. Finally, the JAES is not a complex timepiece. There’s no chronograph, usb ports, sundials, or any other periphery that would detract from the watch. Does it just tell time? Yes, it does. However, it looks so amazing in the process that I’m not even bothered by the fact it’s missing the kitchen sink. You have one of those at home, why do you need one on your wrist?

The watch has an amazing price point, looks great, and is surprisingly deceptive (hence the earlier comment). It is bigger than the MA Icon, but it weighs significantly less. I would be willing to hazard a guess that this thing would go toe-to-toe with the 51-30 in terms of size. The crown is also on the opposite side of the watch which either makes it for boarding (no nasty wrist gouges) or lefties (no comment). It also has a Genuine Leather shiny croco-leather strap, stainless steel back, and Japanese movement.

[Important #chickenwrists note: You may have to put some more holes in the band. I have big wrists and I rocked the JAES on the tightest setting.]

“Graffiti is architecture’s tattoo.” Obviously graffiti is important to Flud or they wouldn’t have engraved it on the JAES case back. However, it is much more apparent when looking at the watch face. You didn’t really think I was going to get all the way to the end of this and not talk about the ridiculous face, did you? The face is, quite obviously, graffiti-styled (complete with marker hands!).  Each and every hour indicator is awesome, and no two are alike. I would like to refer you to an Exhibit from evidence and reference my favorite number, but I can’t pick just one. The quality and attention to detail in the graffiti is mind-boggling, which brings me to the final point.

You would think that for $70, and from an as-of-yet relatively unknown manufacturer (Flud was founded in 2006) you wouldn’t be getting a lot in terms of quality and attention to detail. In this case you would be guilty of perjury, much like I was. Not only is every part of this watch eye-catching (you have NO idea how hard it was to photograph), but the packaging got the Flud touch too.

I’m just going to go out on a limb and say it — Flud dethroned Apple in my eyes as the package-engineering-gods. The case is clear acrylic, and has magnetic closures on both sides. Not only do you get an awesome watch and a case for coins, cards, other 2″x2″ “c” words (PG-13 here people), you get stickers. We might not have Trapper Keepers anymore, but I’m sure you can find something to put it on. If you can’t, run outside and start your own guerilla marketing campaign. Flud gave you everything you could want in an elegantly simple, yet unavoidable watch, so give something back!

Pay attention to Wikipedia and the National Weather Service because Flud (specifically the JAES) is serious business and demands attention. The only question is, will it demand attention on your wrist or mine?

The Prosecution rests.

Ben (@CobaltInfinity)

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