Moustache Not Included [Sex Panther Cologne]

p2291_mainThis post could have been written entirely with quotes from Anchorman. I’m not kidding; the IMDB “Memorable Quotes” section might as well be the screenplay.

It could have gone something like this:

Random: What cologne you gonna go with?
Me: She gets a special cologne… It’s called Sex Panther by Odeon. It’s illegal in nine countries… Yep, it’s made with bits of real panther, so you know it’s good.
Random: My God, what is that smell? Oh.
Me: That’s the smell of desire.
Random: I’m gonna be honest with you, that smells like pure gasoline.
Me: You are a smelly pirate hooker.
Random: Please tell me this is some kind of sick tasteless joke.
Me: They’ve done studies, you know. 60% of the time it works, every time.
Random: That doesn’t make sense.
Me: Don’t act like you’re not impressed.

Instead, I’m just gonna hit you with the facts (no grenades, tridents, or Tom O’Leary) direct from the urgent Sex Panther News Brief:

What is sex panther? Sex Panther is a cologne. It is a manly cologne. So don’t even try wearing it if you’re not manly.

How do I put it on? Most people unscrew the cap, apply it by the handful to exposed skin areas, and pour a generous amount down the front of the pants.

How does it work? Imagine wearing a midnight-black t-shirt with a wolf airbrushed on the front and a great white shark arm-wrestling a sherman tank on the back. Now imagine wearing a three-piece suit made out of those shirts. It’s like that, but in cologne form.

What else do I need to know? One word: Moustaches.

The people at Sex Panther are kind enough to provide scientific evidence of these claims:

sexpanther

Is this product a gimmicky, hype-filled, throwback to a now classic comedy film fiasco? Yes. Does it matter? Not in the slightest. Even in this economy $35 is not going to break the bank (I’m going to have to spend more than that just so I can bring my shoes to Denver). Does it smell good? Honestly, I have no idea. The $35 is worth it just for the conversations it will start when you “accidentally” leave it on your nightstand when returning after an evening of jazz flute with your special lady. If that doesn’t seal the deal, it’s basically the greatest piece of movie memorabilia ever. Well, until they start selling Burgundy label scotch or Brick Tridents.

Ben (@CobaltInfinity)

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