If you don’t get the reference to which the title of this post refers, let me offer clarification. You see, here in Denver, and I am sure in other cities (see: when the Simpsons visit NYC), there’s this device called the Denver Boot. Police affix it to vehicles that are illegally parked or those with a plethora of outstanding tickets. It is designed to keep you from going anywhere until you pay off your debt to society, you bum. While this doesn’t stop Homer from doing so, in real life we aren’t as lucky and have to deal with the harsh reality that we owe a good deal of money.
Ralph Lauren thought to name a rugged boot by the same name as the much-despised and revered device. Whether this was on purpose or not, I don’t know. I was absent during that marketing meeting. But one has to wonder if the shoe is as tough as the boot itself. Those things, as annoying as they may be, are tough as nails. Would you rather be wearing footwear designed to kick the hell out of the elements named after a Bath & Body Works scent or this? The answer, then, is obvious. While I am not a huge fan of black boots, myself, there’s something to be said with how tough these look on the surface. Plus, for only $160 for some boots you will most likely have the rest of your life, as black is timeless, it doesn’t seem like a bad deal. I’m just glad they named them the Denver Boot and not the Denver Jockstrap. (Bonus points if you get that reference.)
One of the best purchases I have made as of late is, maybe, the multi-DVD Amazon order consisting of Beerfest, Saved by the Bell College Years (yes it is good, leave me alone), Sexdrive, and The Simpsons First Season. These were purchases by all means. However, if you know anything about me, my movie collection, and how near and dear to me I hold pretty much everything under my roof, you would know I consider these flicks “investments in entertainment.” And, as I’ve said before, any purchase one makes for the good of his/her night’s sleep is, too, and investment. I snagged a comforter by RL a little over a year ago, and while it wasn’t exactly the most comfortable thing in the world, the bears in PJs allover print was too much for me not to get it. I mean, come on! They’re bears! And they’re wearing pajamas! That’s like a forklift carrying a crate of forks! It’s so literal. (Ahem, M. Hedberg.) Like a tie with bears wearing bow ties. I personally want a bow tie of bears wearing ties.
Speaking of another area you shouldn’t skimp as you will be kicking yourself for cheaping out if you do: a pair of quality boots. When you find yourself in the Arapahoe National Forest, as I do many times during the Winter months, there is no worse feeling than having improper footwear, soaking your footsies and eventually catching hypothermia and dying, you’ll think that the $300 price tag for a pair of Nansen’s isn’t so terrible. Unless you value your life at under three bills….Personally, I’m somewhere in the area of like $16K-$25K. Decently priced but not audacious… like a new Civic without the sport package. Regardless, still way above $300, and without the look of an ugly pair of boots. We have to keep style in mind, people.
I could be embarrassed by the fact that when I went to JCrew and West Elm yesterday, employees at both stores greeted me, “Hey, Will,” but I would rather be proud of the fact I am so memorable. It helps, sure, that I work literally across the street from the retailers and frequent them, but that doesn’t mean it’s not a nice feeling to have someone remember your name. That wasn’t the case when I ventured to Polo, though. I just got some creepy older gentleman following me around, arms crossed behind his back, observing my every movement. I hate that. If I need help, I’ll find you, okay? I felt bad as I was the only one in the store, so I made it worth his while by trying on a pair of the RL Rounds. Effin classy, man. I dug the hell out of them until I saw $375 pricetag. My birthday is coming up….ahem.
Back to the recognition thing: It will only be better being recognized when I finally make the addition of a canine to my small family of one. That way, when we grace a store with our presence, assuming they’re animal-friendly, employees can say, “Hi, Will. And Hi, Will.” I forgot to say, I’m considering naming my dog after me. Which is either adorable or ego-maniacal or both. Regardless, I just can’t wait to take him/her shopping at pet stores for leashes, toys, bowls, and a badass collar. Then it’s, “Hello, ladies.”
I don’t belong to any organizations, I hardly ever donate to causes, and when I see people bumming for change, I usually give a wide berth to avoid having to scrap my pockets for pennies and lint. Come to think of it, this paints a terrible picture of me, seeing me a selfish jerk with eyes solely on my own prize carrying an agenda that only has to do with me. Truth be told, when I do believe in something, I am more than happy to donate my time and money. I annually give to the Dumb Friends League and volunteered at my sister’s school for the better part of 2008. Is it enough to secure a safe spot in Heaven? That is yet to be seen.
In the meantime, while I seem to be on this huge online shopping kick, I may as well parlay it into doing some good for someone. And I am thanking my lucky stars that I did not hit “Checkout” last night. If I had and then awoken to an email from Ralph Lauren Rugby re: everything being 25% off for Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I would have been a little peeved. Alas, it appears as though I have a chance to do some good via buying a new bow tie or Spectator Jacket or both. Lord knows I’ve been in the market for a maroon jacket with white stripes. No, really. I am. I’m sorry if that sounded sarcastic.
Gone are the days of drawing on my shoes, spraypainting my shirts and slitting the cuffs on my pants to fit over my skate sneaks. Yes, as time goes on, I find myself more drawn to the “grown-up style” of classic colors, proper fitting slacks, sportcoats, paperboy caps, wovens, and right now, I’m especially fond of Gingham. There are, though, hundreds upon thousands of ways to still make your style unique so you don’t look like you just walked out a catalogue. As I grow my wardrobe, the matching possibilites are endless. A customized Polo and a pair of madras shorts accompanied by some Sperrys. Linen blazer and khakis with a bold t shirt. It’s all good.
Class up them Summer in the park nights with a key bottle of vino, a few wedges of stinky cheese, and the Ralph Lauren Wine Tote ($495). Natural raffia and supple saddle leather will juxtapose the box of Franzia inside.